Friday, March 14, 2014

The Secret Life You Lead

You hide it from the outside world. Very few know the truth. Some days you wonder how you are going to survive. Going to work makes you happy, well not really happy, but gives you sense of relief. YOU are away from it, and for a little while, your life seems normal.
Anxiety back to the point he is once again talking about how we need to move home because he needs someone to stay with him at all times. He is back to the "I am dying" and can't you stay home today? I can't stay home anymore. I have no vacation time or sick time left. Now it has to be accrued all over again... Last night he started yelling at me for being on the computer how fucking ridiculous it is that I was on it for 5 hours. He wanted me to lay in bed with him. I didn't want to channel surf because that always wakes him up so I watched 2 movies on the computer with headphones. This morning I got the 'now I know how ----- feels' response when I tried to explain to him he always goes through bouts of sweating and being cold with the anxiety. Now I am being compared to his friend ---- whose wife is a complete mess due to tragic events that happened when a child and continued on into adolescence.... I cried myself to sleep. If we could only have a whole  month of normalcy...if they could find something for him to take...He attacks me verbally when he's like this then 15 minutes later he apologizes because he says he didn't mean it- he never meant for my life to end up this way. But secretly I wonder if he really is sorry, if he really didn't mean it. People say what they really think when they are drunk because they have no barriers. Sometimes I think being manic depressive is the same way. The way he really feels about everything just slips out. Once moment he is praising me about how well things are starting to go for me and my writing, how slowly but surely, the recognition is coming. The next he tells me we have no friends because I don't want to do anything but write - all I want to do is stay home. That isn't true. I want to stay home because we are broke, and there is no place left for me to get extra money from - it is finished. It is yet another aspect of what they do to feel better...spending money. I should have seen the signs way back when, especially after meeting his mother. Both his mom and his grandmother had to have been manic depressive the same as him by the way they acted and treated other people. He blames the fact we don't have any friends on me when he is like this. Everything is my fault. But the truth is they are tired of listening to him tell them if he is going to die he wishes it would get the hell over with. He complains constantly when we are around other people, there is never any joy. It seems like it gets worse and worse each time. Hopefully this one won't last for a week. This journal to track his behavior is all I have to keep record. I never know who I am waking up to in the morning or who I am coming home to at night. I love him with all my heart yet I feel like a part of me is dying.